For those of you who receive my monthly email updates this is nothing new. I had received a lot of feedback about this part in particular and thought perhaps I should share it here.

In early December we found out some friends of ours, missionaries here with the Lutheran church, were being sent home unexpectedly. Loring and I spend many hours with our friend as she worked her way through anger, sadness, frustration and disappointment in the fact that their time serving here had come to an end.

As I walked through this with my friend I felt a tug on my heart, perhaps God had a lesson in it for me, too. He was saying, “Rosalie, you must be prepared to serve ME, wherever I might have you. It is not about the place you live or the people I would have you serve, it is about Me.”I have shared with you all before now that I’ve felt for sometime that I might be here longer than the initially planned 2 years. This whole, “be content in service to me, don’t exalt the “where” over the “Who””, got me all shook up. I started thinking, if I were to go home in a year, would I be okay with it? Which led to, if I do go home in a year what will I do? Where will I live, work, blah, blah, blah.

For the first time since I had arrived in Uganda I started seriously contemplating what it would be like to go home. For several weeks I was consumed with this thought. How will it play out? When would I leave? What job opportunities might I pursue? I quickly became obsessed. I became restless. I became anxious. I felt burdened with the need to have everything figured out. I wanted to make sure all my bases were covered. I wanted control. I was in sin.

Finally, one night at church as I sat in the back, a verse of Come Thou Fount came into my head. I wrote down the following in my journal.

“Prone to wonder.

Lord I feel it.

Prone to leave the God I love.

Here’s my heart, Lord.

Take and seal it.”

Today my heart is heavy and somewhat sad. It is a day there is no denying my wondering heart. Looking back over the past few weeks I see how I’ve pulled away. Been caught up. But caught up in what? Myself. My need for control. I see now how my faith is weak. Trusting in myself, in foolishness. More than that, taking life for granted, taking God for granted. Lord forgive me. It brings tears to my eyes, just the thought of that.           

Fill me. Fill me with you.

Break me. Break me where I lack humility.

Free me. Free me from the sin that enslaves me.

Consume me. More than filling me, that your Spirit would consume, engulf me. That all my thoughts, words would be of you.

Teach me. Teach and grow me that I would have a greater understanding of you. Who you are, who I am, what it means to be Yours.

Thank you. Thank you for your constant pursuit of me. Thank you for the grace and forgiveness you ever extend to me. This, so often I take for granted. Yet now, in this moment I am overwhelmed with gratitude and thanksgiving. I want all my life to be yours. I want for everything about me to be about you. I cannot do this on my own strength, my own power.

I need more of you.

Just like that, it was clear. I needed to let go. I mean, obviously, God has got it. What good can all that worry do? Nothing. All it did was distract me from the here and now. I heard God’s voice in my heart, “Rosalie, this is where I have you now. Trust in me. I will provide a way wherever your path may lead.” Seriously folks, I didn’t even know I was moving to Uganda until four months before I left. What business did I have getting my panties in a bunch?

Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it.